Payment
by cloloveswah
Summary: Regret, heartbreak and emptiness fill his self loathing mind as he stands in the quiet of the day. Based around S6 E10 - Warning - Very Angsty.


Standing above the hole in the ground where her body now lay at peace, he realized the magnitude of his mistake. Regret, heartbreak and emptiness fill his self loathing mind as he stands in the quiet of the day. The world is darker, tainted by the loss of the beautiful soul she was. It had been instant for him, like someone switching off the light switch, the heating and locking the door on his existence all at once. His family have retreated after many failed attempts to remove him from her side - the place he should have occupied, the place she had entrusted to him, for him only to let her down. He knew he ought to let it go, let her go, forgive; but he couldn't, not now, not ever. It was his fault as much as it was the other mans, but it had been his choice and now as he stands above her grave, he realizes that he cannot carry on for a third time. His mind drifts to the place it always does, back to the warm October day when his world shattered, and there was nothing else for him to do.

(x)

_"I told you we could do it man!" Dup enthused as he clinked his glass bottle of beer against Danny's before downing it all in one go. _

_Danny drinks his with more care, savoring every moment of the joy that filled his heart. His mind drifts to his wife, and as he begins to imagine her reaction, a smile bloomed across his face. He couldn't wait to tell her, they'd finally got Leopards Den back - well almost. Either way, it was probable, and with everything fine here, he relished the knowledge that he could soon return to be by her side. _

_He pondered the possibility of surprising her - but realised his romantic plans never quite went to plan. He wondered if he should go, maybe in a couple of days? That gave him two days to find her a beautiful present, to pack a few things she may have forgotten? To work on some form of apology as despite everything, he still feels slightly guilty for leaving her - until he remembers he has saved their home, and suddenly that outweighs all feelings of guilt for leaving her to go to England alone. Alice was strong, she could get through anything, she didn't need him, she never had. Her independence annoyed him frequently, at yet, it's that strength of character that he loves with so much passion._

_"Say, let's head to Fatani's eh?" Dup suggests as he throws a bottle down on the floor. Danny rolled his eyes picking it up and is about to nod when his phone begins to ring. _

_"It's an unknown British number?" Danny frowns._

_"It'll be Alice." Dup responds._

_"She isn't due to land for an hour." Danny replies before accepting the call. "Danny Trevanion."_

_Dup watches from afar as the notable change in the man beside him begins to take form. First his mouth drops, followed by his entire facial expression into one of horror, panic, shock and regret. His shoulders are the next to go, until he completely loses consistency and slides to the floor, the colour draining out of his entire body as he descends. He is deathly white as he murmurs 'Thank You'._

_"Trevanion?"_

_It's as though he can't hear him, as the usually strong, proud standing vet rises to his feet and as though in a trance begins to run at full speed to the truck. Dup follows him worried, confused and mostly full of fear. He suspects it is Alice - maybe she is in labour on the plane? Danny is already setting off as he arrives, and so with one leap, Dup jumps into the back of the truck and wrestles his way to the front. It's then he realises that Danny is heading for the airport._

_"Trevanion?!" Dup shouts._

_"I need to get to the UK." Danny insists. Saying nothing more until he gets to the airport and demands a flight._

_"No flights to the UK until tomorrow." _

_"That is too late." Danny snaps. "Private, take me private."_

_Dup gasps as the attendant nods. They didn't have that sort of money - did they? As Danny accepts the extortionate fee with no quibbles, Dup's fears are raised higher. Surely he wasn't that bothered about being there for the birth - after all it's only screaming women and blood isn't it? _

_"It'll be 20 minutes Sir." The attendant tells Danny, who nods before impatiently pacing. _

_Dup simply stands and stares until Danny turns to him. His expression is one Dup cannot name, and his worry grows._

_"Caroline is fine, they are all fine." Danny murmurs, "Fine..." He repeats before continuing to pace._

_"Of course they are? They fly a lot man." _

_"No." Danny responds._

_20 minutes pass slowly and the minute the plane is ready, Danny is on board. He is still refusing to speak, stuck in his own world. _

_"Danny, tell me what has happened?" Dup begs._

_"They crashed." Danny responds without emotion. "Alice..." He pauses, before turning back to look out the window._

_Suddenly, Dup understands and tears fill his own eyes. Guilt flows through him thick and fast as he realises that he kept Danny from going with her, that he prevented them being together. He feels sick to his stomach and for a moment he's sure he feels the bile rise. What he didn't know was the full extent of the situation._

(x)

He remembers the plane ride. It was the longest of his life - longer than when he went to Australia, longer than his flight to America. The agonizing hours of pain filled, regret consumed thoughts had almost finished him off. His mind drifts to happier times for a moment. London. Until he remembers, it is London.

(x)

_He jumps off the plane and jumps in a taxi, that Dup once again only just manages to catch with him. He'd flown through security and within seconds they were on their way to a hospital. As they arrive, Danny runs up to the desk, murmuring her name and then galloping up the stairs. It is only as he turns a corner that he realises Dup is following him and for a moment he halts, his expression full of anger. _

_"Why are you here?" Danny growls. "It is your fault."_

_Dup is taken aback and gasps, but Danny simply continues on until he arrives at the room containing his wife. A doctor is outside and they begin to talk, and it is then that Danny is taken into a white room. Small, uncomfortable but with comfortable furniture, and tissues, funeral cards and many other help leaflets. It is then he is told. _

_"She will die."_

_It is worst than a dagger through his chest or a bullet through his brain. He remains silent, tears leak but he simply sits there, staring before standing and walking to her room. He doesn't even gasp as he sees her, badly injured, bruised, cut. She isn't the woman he knows. This woman is weak, this woman is dependent, this woman is the wife he neglected and yet, at the same time she is his Alice, his beautiful Alice. He walks forward and moves her fringe to the right, knowing she preferred it that way. He strokes her cheek, and then runs his hand down her arm and into her hand that lays upon her stomach, which he then notices is considerably flatter than it was. _

_He apologises over and over again, begging her forgiveness, praying for a miracle and crying openly. He hates himself, and he tells her so, before telling her for the millionth time he loves her. The beep of the machine keeping her alive, begins to annoy him, and to drown it out, he begins to sing some of her favourite songs. He realises these are their last few hours together, and as he tells her everything he wanted her to know, and doing all the things he knew she would love, he simply sat beside her, holding her close, stroking her hair. _

_"I'll be with you every step of the way. I won't leave you again..." He promises, kissing her forehead, before kissing her lips softly. _

_He sits with her for an hour, and it appears she is getting better as her heart beat steadies for more than a few moments. He is about to call the Doctor when the machine's screech fills the room, it's change in intonation alarming and telling. A Doctor arrives and unplugs it, before leaving and standing outside the room. Danny feels frantic inside, yet outside he keeps true to his promise. Holding her, until the very last breath left her body._

_"Time of Death - 15.23"_

_Danny drowns out the words as he holds his wife, sobbing silently for his lost love. The Doctors try to remove him but he lashes out, and even as his oldest daughter arrives, her own tears falling, he refuses to leave her. Eventually, it is Charlotte, the young daughter she has left behind that moves him, and with one final kiss, the pair leave her to the capable hand of the Doctors._

_They try to smother him. They try to grieve for him. They try to love him. But he doesn't want it. He should have gone with her. _

_Eventually, they go back to Africa, and the funeral arrangements are made. He doesn't eat as he mourns the loss of a son and wife. His wife. The wife he loves. His world is empty, incomplete and he realises that despite his experience of loss, he has never felt anything so painful as this. Words cannot express his feelings and so he doesn't speak. He simply survives - his life now dead in that London Hospital Room..._

_The day arrives... and he is sure of what he must do. He is sure he will die._

(x)

Now as he sits down on the edge of the great hole, he withdraws a hip flask that she once bought him. He knows that he can't do it, not again, and he knows that his family will understand. He knows that they will look after one another. It is his fault. Many blame Dup, but it was him, and he accepts that he made the choice. He was too easily influenced and so he must pay. And so he decides, that now is the time to pay... he can't live without her, and so he decides to join her.

He drinks it.

He is found three hours later by Dup.

Upon his wife's grave. Unmoving.

**A/N - I have no idea where this angst came from...**


End file.
